I belong to a church where if you are asked to take a position it is considered a calling and tradition says "If called you must accept" I have post traumatic stress syndrome and am married to a man who is not a member of My faith. Fifteen tears ago I has invited to have a conversation with a member Of The priesthood Who apparently taught he had wonderful news for me ,I can not remember what "the calling" was but I do remember how the conversation felt to me , I sat silent For a minute in full panic, heart pounding know that I was already overwhelmed with My daily tasks Of raising twins working and trying to be some kind of wife to my husband when out of my mouth came the only words that would have and did silence the nice priesthood leader "My husband will not allow me to take that calling." His face fell he went pale He said Quietly more to himself than to me "I was so sure this was inspired " but to he credit he did not press me that fact that I was now a puddle of tears may have told him there was no reasoning to be done. My prospective now is that It was inspired and the answer was no , This leader was going to hear no eventually why not from me . The calling would not have blessed my life and helped me avoid the nervous breakdown I was headed for it just would have gotten me there faster. In life and church sometimes the answer is NO .

One Finished and framed

My Mom was a talented artist. Art is what she lived and breathed for. My senior year in high school after The customary going to a studio to have my pictures taken Mom set to capture in a portrait what was to become her gift to me for graduating . It hangs one my wall today and I have never liked the gift . The thing is, and others through the years agree I was very beautiful in my senior pictures. Mom was not going for that she was trying to capture that far a away look in my eye that she often saw when she looked my way. I also own two unfinished portraits Mom started at different times in my young life . The first when I was seven I remember sitting for. I love this portrait of me at seven, even unfinished it did capture that far away look and I did not look ugly. In august I was visiting family and another unfinished Portrait of me surfaced while there. I am delighted to now own it. I do not remember sitting for this one I think she it was to surprise me if it had ever been finished. Mom so captured what I looked like at fourteen. Even though it is unfinished and always will be it will hang on my wall someday . Mom died In July , 1981 she was 51, in her sleep it was not a shock to me. Her favorite topic of conversation the last couple of years was how she was not afraid to die. Mom had a severe heart decease she had surgery where her valve was replaced with a plastic high tech valve . Done a second time a few years later to replace the first high tech (Probably defective) plastic valve.When the conversation would lull during the talks of her death moms heart could be heard it ticked like a clock . I was the only one in our family that would listen to her about her impending thoughts of dying . I am happy today that I was able to do that for her but oh how I suffered then . I pre-grieved my Mothers death. I will not know in this life why mom did not finish 2 of the portraits that she started of me . I can geuss that At fourteen I was a pain in her ass that week.I will be 51 my next birthday . I know I will out live my mom however this has been a hard year for me. I am grateful for two unfinished portrait and one finished and framed.

Personal Hell

I'm sitting alone in my thoughts,
Isolated, misunderstood, alone,
Not really there are others I know who grew up in an Alcoholic home.

I've had many days when I was shattered
Day by day I glue me back together,
Always stretching, always reaching wanting so to be happy
Often feeling that I'm lacking.
It's oh so hard to break habits from my past,
I must if I'm to find true peace that lasts.
It would be easier to hide away in my shell,
Not let anyone see my personal hell .
I've been so alone all my life so far hiding away kills me slow and painful.
One day at a time I'll come out of this rut ,
and hope that someday I can help others come up. Pearl Written in 1989 Revised a bit 10-24- 2009

Trying to thrive

Last week I joined a gym . In may of 2009 I was very ill I coughed for 2 months no matter what allergy med or Antiboctic my Doctor prescribed . The coughing got better when I did not eat certain foods , I realised this because I had a lot of time on my hands To think between coughing up yellow gunch then coughing clear stuff because my blood pressure med also contributed to the cough . At any rate I have totally changed my lifestyle since may . I have lost 36lbs and really try to eat foods that are healthy for me . Along the way I have discovered I am allergic to wheat and that eating highly sugared foods makes me feel horrible . I am enjoying been healthy except for the pain of sore muscles from exercise, all is looking up here.

Almost never was

Have you ever thought what would have happened to the people you love if you were never born. I have thought about this . True story My mother had heart disease not your run of the mill Bypass stuff of today . This was serious she had a damaged valve caused by illness With High fever that happened to her when she was 6 years old. My son Karl has a hole in his heart it is called a functional heart murmer . Karl has to take amoxcillin when he gets his teeth cleaned if he does not the bacteria could go into his blood stream and go right into his heart . Let me just say this about that I am glad that Karl has his teeth cleaned by profesionals who know how to deal with this complication. Before my mom was my mom she found herself Pregnant unmarried and alone ,the father wanted nothing more to do with her. This happened before Roe V. Wade . She had a "back- ally" abortion . The conditions were not clean it was not pleasant and from what I gathered throughout my life with mom she became very ill afterward. It could have killed her . It almost did Mom did not have the legal right to get the abortion that did not stop her . I really like being alive ,I love My family I really love the fact that My husband and I have twin sons who I can not imagine what the world would be like without them

About Me

I have retreated here because Facebook does not seem like a safe place for me to share my opinions . I am What those in the 12 steps call a Adult child . That explains that to me, others may need to know more . I really do feel that very often during my my raising that I was not listened to, and today when I do get the courage to speak out I do not handle harshness in the response to my opinion IE Facebook really is not a safe place for me to share . Why blog? Not really sure hoping that here I can find my voice and actually hoping people who come across my ramblings Will be respectful of my right to freedom to speak my truths and keep their ire at things I say that they do not agree with to a respect that we all have the right to our opinions . Mostly I do not want to be called names or labeled here I got all that when I was a child, I am an optimist at heart . Why I am still wondering why.

I, the Survivor

I have a blog tomorrow I will say more tonight I will sleep.