Mom's Health

I was in high school both times my mom underwent Open Heart surgery . Not the run of the mill by pass surgery of today . Mom had what she said often was a valve job "The Doctors took my damaged valve out and popped a brand new plastic one in" The second surgery was worse for me because by then I was old enough to know Mom could die on that table or from complications after. The following poem I submitted to a class I was taking on poetry the teacher simply wrote "Keep trying Pearl"

WAITING
Sitting around ,
trying to feel fine .
Sometimes I succeed,
just to fall again .

Waiting around ,
for an answer of health .
Sometimes the sorrow ,
just keeps me down.

Wishing around,
trying to get downtown .
Sometimes I laugh ,
just to stop thoughts of death.

Our Twins

The following is a poem I wrote many years ago when our sons were very young . I am posting it to prove to myself that happy happened in my past.

Oh for this past year what did I give?
Most of it was spent nursing my twins,
The house is in shambles ,the mess everywhere
My Babies are smiling they haven't a care.
Their sweetness surrounds me I can not refuse
when one tugs at my dress,
this child is at my breast.
Nourishing comfort he is content,
Then his brother does spot us
Soon we three are at rest.

Oh for this past year what have I done?
Have I helped out my neighbor whose load is a ton?
Not much have I ventured out of our home.
I'm told that someday I'll look back on these days
Part of me longs to, the rest wants to stay.
I've heard enough crying to last all my life.
My days are long and chores are done twice
But the rewards are extra double nice,
As two separate personalities explore life.
What wondrous sights and sounds to explore ,
How could a mother want anymore?
Just Pearl

I the survivor am now a thrivor.

Some day that will be the title of a poem it just keeps rattle ling around in my brain so someday it will come the rest of the words and not just the title .

Being able to wax poetic matters ever so to me
Finding my center that peace in my being matters ever so to me
Picking a pencil up sketching a portrait of someone then having someone anyone tell me" I know who that is" would mean the world to me

What disturbs me is that it takes medication for me to write poetry and I do not mean just the run of the mill anti depressants that so many women have used including me in the past .I am talking serious legal prescription medication for anxiety and Bi-polar
I had been a lost soul in my own skin not able to slow down and to find quite time to create. This honestly has been worse in the last 6 months but before that I was just sad ,numb really .If I had the chose I would take manic over numb any year.
My loved ones are the reason I sought help and Specialists in mental health.
It seems what was fun for me came out as anger to them.
It is all very new for me this medication my specialist upping my dose just a few days back
I do not know where this all will lead me I am mostly hoping for the a for mentioned PEACE

I, The survivor, Here I am today.

If This Is The first time You read My Blog Please scroll down And Read at least My Poem Called I The Survivor It is the reason why I started Blogging . I am going to write about my life today in this post . I am serene today I am Happy in the life I am living and I would even say I am thriving not merely surviving . I have Forgiven My Mother The abuse and Neglect That occurred in my childhood if fact I have a deep well of love for my deceased Parents. I have forgiven others who harmed me in my childhood. I have recently went on medication for anxiety and soft Bi polar both helped with one little pill I take once a day. I feel hope that I will be able to be a better employee Though I am currently self employed I work for people in my field so there-in I hope to be a better employee. So far so good I am having far less anxiety than before and My relationship with my Husband feels like things were a few years ago when we were going through a really good patch . So I am full of hope today And I can not ask for more.

I, the Survivor

I the Survivor of Childhood neglect,
Learned that wanting so for Mommy to hold me didn't make it happen
Learned how to open the refrigerator door when my tummy growled
Learned what beer was for before I was two
Learned not to expect very much for myself
Learned what loneliness felt like before I could speak

I, The survivor of Childhood abuse,
Learned how to be quiet so I wouldn't disturb anyone
Learned to be afraid of Mom's stern face
when she checked up on me at nap time
So I learned how to pretend to be asleep,
Learned what fear felt like before I could speak
Learned not to feel anger because it felt wrong
to hate my Mom who I loved and needed
Learned to lock up feelings and feel numb

I, the survivor of Childhood sexual abuse,
Learned not to tell the secretes I knew
Learned not to trust Big Hairy men
Learned about strange noises and saw and felt strange things
before I knew what sex was
Learned to totally forget it all
Learned I couldn't forget how sad this made me feel
Learned how to be in a room full of people and not be completely alone

I, the Survivor am now an adult
I am learning how to come out of my shell
and have remembered many things I once forgot
I have learned to tell the secrets that I could not tell then
I'm Learning that feelings can still overwhelm me, especially despair
So I am learning how to trust doctors and therapist
even when they are Big Hairy men
I've learned that by taking care of my needs first,
I am then better able to take care of others
I'm learning to be available to my children,
and not to repeat patterns from my past
I'm learning to share my experiences with people
I'm Learning that people do care and I can trust some people but not all people
I'm learning to bond with people and learning to say goodbye
to people I have bonded with and feel the pain of the loss
I'm learning that in order to heal, I had to go through the painful past
I'm learning that at times to function I have to leave alone the past,
I don't have to have every horrid detail to grow today
I'm slowly learning to communicate with my husband

I've learned to seek out and hold that little girl within me
because when she feels safe and wanted SO DO I

Pearl Fite 10-24- 1994

Ninteen not a good year for me

I am finding it difficult to speak from where my life is today.There are so many reasons for this I my life is changing so much and I am left trying to deal with it all. I am not sure how I feel about it all so blogging about things that are happening today feel like I would be spilling my guts on the floor then trying to scoop it all up and take it back again . Also I do not know what the outcomes will be , I like beginning middle and The End of the story. I am somewhere in the middle in some of the out comes so I just do not know how to start. Here goes this could get dicey for me I am going to start at a beginning . The following is a flashback that I had last week brought on by the trails I am currently dealing with . I was 19 when this happened.
Instructions given,I'm there on the doctors table legs dangling I am in my jeans and t-shirt . Someone is talking to me we have to wait, Why isn't Mom here? Oh I am considered an adult it is considered I may have Something private to say. We are waiting for a phone call from another Doctor, Doctor Sore Can't Diagnose this. What is this nurse saying I really can not understand She is giving me instructions Haldol is mentioned and some other Medication also .Nurse repeats instructions ,Wish Mom has here she would understand she would know what is being said I know she is here in the building somewhere she drove me. I want to go home I want to sleep . Mom comes we have to go to the Pharmacy to pick up Meds. We go home I take a pill What were those instructions Can not remember One pill does this the other so that does not happen .What this or that was I do not know.Later I am in the Kitchen it is night-time now My head is jerking.Help me I can cry but I can not speak words right My body Starts to tighten more head jerks back can not control any of this .Mom calls Doctor Sore doctor sore does not know a damm thing ,Mom is Screaming at someone one the phone . Mom comes back to me Offers me a second Pill I do not co- operate She explains the This pill will counter act the effects of the First pill I can understand I drink and shallow It is difficult to do but I do some how manage Later I am in my bed I do not remember How I get there. I can not talk Mom is there I am trying to say Do not Leave me No words come out She touches my head and kisses me And Shuts off my light My whole body is tight It is so dark ,This is Hell this is hell Farther down I go Outer darkness Can not move tears come no sounds Oh god Help me I do not Like Hell Slowly I do not Know How much time passes my Body Relaxes.Mom Looks In the Door but does not enter she thinks I am okay She does not know I am in Hell (I never did tell her) Up one Level not as Dark Up another level It seems like hours coming out Of a deep dark well At some point I sleep , Sleep is good I have not slept for many days.(The cramping was caused By the Haldol the Other Med was To prevent That from happening) Will I wake Up and Have to go to hell again?
3 weeks later after Going to day treatment At the Mental health clinic every weekday The clinical therapist who had the proper education to diagnose saw me .A lot of questions asked and Answered . "Did you hear voices" what does that mean Other than your own No never only my own "did you have blackouts not remember what you had done" no not before Haldol .I just did not understand what was going on at times More question asked and answered. Miss Cummins You are not a schizophrenic you should never been put on Haldol. later Mom picked me up I tell her My good news She gets angry and Rants For all the drive home and for days after I do not care what she says I am not a schizophrenic and that all that matters to me .

I belong to a church where if you are asked to take a position it is considered a calling and tradition says "If called you must accept" I have post traumatic stress syndrome and am married to a man who is not a member of My faith. Fifteen tears ago I has invited to have a conversation with a member Of The priesthood Who apparently taught he had wonderful news for me ,I can not remember what "the calling" was but I do remember how the conversation felt to me , I sat silent For a minute in full panic, heart pounding know that I was already overwhelmed with My daily tasks Of raising twins working and trying to be some kind of wife to my husband when out of my mouth came the only words that would have and did silence the nice priesthood leader "My husband will not allow me to take that calling." His face fell he went pale He said Quietly more to himself than to me "I was so sure this was inspired " but to he credit he did not press me that fact that I was now a puddle of tears may have told him there was no reasoning to be done. My prospective now is that It was inspired and the answer was no , This leader was going to hear no eventually why not from me . The calling would not have blessed my life and helped me avoid the nervous breakdown I was headed for it just would have gotten me there faster. In life and church sometimes the answer is NO .

One Finished and framed

My Mom was a talented artist. Art is what she lived and breathed for. My senior year in high school after The customary going to a studio to have my pictures taken Mom set to capture in a portrait what was to become her gift to me for graduating . It hangs one my wall today and I have never liked the gift . The thing is, and others through the years agree I was very beautiful in my senior pictures. Mom was not going for that she was trying to capture that far a away look in my eye that she often saw when she looked my way. I also own two unfinished portraits Mom started at different times in my young life . The first when I was seven I remember sitting for. I love this portrait of me at seven, even unfinished it did capture that far away look and I did not look ugly. In august I was visiting family and another unfinished Portrait of me surfaced while there. I am delighted to now own it. I do not remember sitting for this one I think she it was to surprise me if it had ever been finished. Mom so captured what I looked like at fourteen. Even though it is unfinished and always will be it will hang on my wall someday . Mom died In July , 1981 she was 51, in her sleep it was not a shock to me. Her favorite topic of conversation the last couple of years was how she was not afraid to die. Mom had a severe heart decease she had surgery where her valve was replaced with a plastic high tech valve . Done a second time a few years later to replace the first high tech (Probably defective) plastic valve.When the conversation would lull during the talks of her death moms heart could be heard it ticked like a clock . I was the only one in our family that would listen to her about her impending thoughts of dying . I am happy today that I was able to do that for her but oh how I suffered then . I pre-grieved my Mothers death. I will not know in this life why mom did not finish 2 of the portraits that she started of me . I can geuss that At fourteen I was a pain in her ass that week.I will be 51 my next birthday . I know I will out live my mom however this has been a hard year for me. I am grateful for two unfinished portrait and one finished and framed.

Personal Hell

I'm sitting alone in my thoughts,
Isolated, misunderstood, alone,
Not really there are others I know who grew up in an Alcoholic home.

I've had many days when I was shattered
Day by day I glue me back together,
Always stretching, always reaching wanting so to be happy
Often feeling that I'm lacking.
It's oh so hard to break habits from my past,
I must if I'm to find true peace that lasts.
It would be easier to hide away in my shell,
Not let anyone see my personal hell .
I've been so alone all my life so far hiding away kills me slow and painful.
One day at a time I'll come out of this rut ,
and hope that someday I can help others come up. Pearl Written in 1989 Revised a bit 10-24- 2009

Trying to thrive

Last week I joined a gym . In may of 2009 I was very ill I coughed for 2 months no matter what allergy med or Antiboctic my Doctor prescribed . The coughing got better when I did not eat certain foods , I realised this because I had a lot of time on my hands To think between coughing up yellow gunch then coughing clear stuff because my blood pressure med also contributed to the cough . At any rate I have totally changed my lifestyle since may . I have lost 36lbs and really try to eat foods that are healthy for me . Along the way I have discovered I am allergic to wheat and that eating highly sugared foods makes me feel horrible . I am enjoying been healthy except for the pain of sore muscles from exercise, all is looking up here.

Almost never was

Have you ever thought what would have happened to the people you love if you were never born. I have thought about this . True story My mother had heart disease not your run of the mill Bypass stuff of today . This was serious she had a damaged valve caused by illness With High fever that happened to her when she was 6 years old. My son Karl has a hole in his heart it is called a functional heart murmer . Karl has to take amoxcillin when he gets his teeth cleaned if he does not the bacteria could go into his blood stream and go right into his heart . Let me just say this about that I am glad that Karl has his teeth cleaned by profesionals who know how to deal with this complication. Before my mom was my mom she found herself Pregnant unmarried and alone ,the father wanted nothing more to do with her. This happened before Roe V. Wade . She had a "back- ally" abortion . The conditions were not clean it was not pleasant and from what I gathered throughout my life with mom she became very ill afterward. It could have killed her . It almost did Mom did not have the legal right to get the abortion that did not stop her . I really like being alive ,I love My family I really love the fact that My husband and I have twin sons who I can not imagine what the world would be like without them

About Me

I have retreated here because Facebook does not seem like a safe place for me to share my opinions . I am What those in the 12 steps call a Adult child . That explains that to me, others may need to know more . I really do feel that very often during my my raising that I was not listened to, and today when I do get the courage to speak out I do not handle harshness in the response to my opinion IE Facebook really is not a safe place for me to share . Why blog? Not really sure hoping that here I can find my voice and actually hoping people who come across my ramblings Will be respectful of my right to freedom to speak my truths and keep their ire at things I say that they do not agree with to a respect that we all have the right to our opinions . Mostly I do not want to be called names or labeled here I got all that when I was a child, I am an optimist at heart . Why I am still wondering why.

I, the Survivor

I have a blog tomorrow I will say more tonight I will sleep.