I, the Survivor

I the Survivor of Childhood neglect,
Learned that wanting so for Mommy to hold me didn't make it happen
Learned how to open the refrigerator door when my tummy growled
Learned what beer was for before I was two
Learned not to expect very much for myself
Learned what loneliness felt like before I could speak

I, The survivor of Childhood abuse,
Learned how to be quiet so I wouldn't disturb anyone
Learned to be afraid of Mom's stern face
when she checked up on me at nap time
So I learned how to pretend to be asleep,
Learned what fear felt like before I could speak
Learned not to feel anger because it felt wrong
to hate my Mom who I loved and needed
Learned to lock up feelings and feel numb

I, the survivor of Childhood sexual abuse,
Learned not to tell the secretes I knew
Learned not to trust Big Hairy men
Learned about strange noises and saw and felt strange things
before I knew what sex was
Learned to totally forget it all
Learned I couldn't forget how sad this made me feel
Learned how to be in a room full of people and not be completely alone

I, the Survivor am now an adult
I am learning how to come out of my shell
and have remembered many things I once forgot
I have learned to tell the secrets that I could not tell then
I'm Learning that feelings can still overwhelm me, especially despair
So I am learning how to trust doctors and therapist
even when they are Big Hairy men
I've learned that by taking care of my needs first,
I am then better able to take care of others
I'm learning to be available to my children,
and not to repeat patterns from my past
I'm learning to share my experiences with people
I'm Learning that people do care and I can trust some people but not all people
I'm learning to bond with people and learning to say goodbye
to people I have bonded with and feel the pain of the loss
I'm learning that in order to heal, I had to go through the painful past
I'm learning that at times to function I have to leave alone the past,
I don't have to have every horrid detail to grow today
I'm slowly learning to communicate with my husband

I've learned to seek out and hold that little girl within me
because when she feels safe and wanted SO DO I

Pearl Fite 10-24- 1994