Ninteen not a good year for me

I am finding it difficult to speak from where my life is today.There are so many reasons for this I my life is changing so much and I am left trying to deal with it all. I am not sure how I feel about it all so blogging about things that are happening today feel like I would be spilling my guts on the floor then trying to scoop it all up and take it back again . Also I do not know what the outcomes will be , I like beginning middle and The End of the story. I am somewhere in the middle in some of the out comes so I just do not know how to start. Here goes this could get dicey for me I am going to start at a beginning . The following is a flashback that I had last week brought on by the trails I am currently dealing with . I was 19 when this happened.
Instructions given,I'm there on the doctors table legs dangling I am in my jeans and t-shirt . Someone is talking to me we have to wait, Why isn't Mom here? Oh I am considered an adult it is considered I may have Something private to say. We are waiting for a phone call from another Doctor, Doctor Sore Can't Diagnose this. What is this nurse saying I really can not understand She is giving me instructions Haldol is mentioned and some other Medication also .Nurse repeats instructions ,Wish Mom has here she would understand she would know what is being said I know she is here in the building somewhere she drove me. I want to go home I want to sleep . Mom comes we have to go to the Pharmacy to pick up Meds. We go home I take a pill What were those instructions Can not remember One pill does this the other so that does not happen .What this or that was I do not know.Later I am in the Kitchen it is night-time now My head is jerking.Help me I can cry but I can not speak words right My body Starts to tighten more head jerks back can not control any of this .Mom calls Doctor Sore doctor sore does not know a damm thing ,Mom is Screaming at someone one the phone . Mom comes back to me Offers me a second Pill I do not co- operate She explains the This pill will counter act the effects of the First pill I can understand I drink and shallow It is difficult to do but I do some how manage Later I am in my bed I do not remember How I get there. I can not talk Mom is there I am trying to say Do not Leave me No words come out She touches my head and kisses me And Shuts off my light My whole body is tight It is so dark ,This is Hell this is hell Farther down I go Outer darkness Can not move tears come no sounds Oh god Help me I do not Like Hell Slowly I do not Know How much time passes my Body Relaxes.Mom Looks In the Door but does not enter she thinks I am okay She does not know I am in Hell (I never did tell her) Up one Level not as Dark Up another level It seems like hours coming out Of a deep dark well At some point I sleep , Sleep is good I have not slept for many days.(The cramping was caused By the Haldol the Other Med was To prevent That from happening) Will I wake Up and Have to go to hell again?
3 weeks later after Going to day treatment At the Mental health clinic every weekday The clinical therapist who had the proper education to diagnose saw me .A lot of questions asked and Answered . "Did you hear voices" what does that mean Other than your own No never only my own "did you have blackouts not remember what you had done" no not before Haldol .I just did not understand what was going on at times More question asked and answered. Miss Cummins You are not a schizophrenic you should never been put on Haldol. later Mom picked me up I tell her My good news She gets angry and Rants For all the drive home and for days after I do not care what she says I am not a schizophrenic and that all that matters to me .