update

The procedural on my veins went very well . I was over the top stressed out over it all as it turned out I needed had been so. The pain during recovery was minimal. My left leg had been showing signs of phlebitis but has gotten better . We do not know how we would pay for another operation at this time so hoping that it won't get that bad . I have lost 63 lbs since last may . Friends and family are are expressing concern that that I lost to much. I eat three meals a day and lately I snack in the afternoon .I am really trying not to over do the diet thing .I was anorexic when I was a teen and I do not want that back . I do also care not to be on blood pressure and cholesterol medicine so yes am strict with what I eat . To many of my family have died in their fifties from heart decease so I am trying to avoid that. Well meaning family and friends do not live my reality so I am trying to discount their comments.

Vericous Veins

I will be undergoing procedure on March 1 done with laser on my right leg . I had my first bout with phlebitis last month . It has not been a experience I ever want a repeat on . I had to take a antibiotic . The effected vein was swollen red and painful , I have to wrap my bad vein with ace bandages , then elevate and apply heat in the evenings . This all makes me feel like an old woman before my time . The vascular doctor will do this procedure in his clinic and I will be going home after. .

Update

It has been a month or more since I post. I have lost 46 lbs since I began seeking health last may . Knock on wood I haven't had a cold since then. I am struggling with my varicose veins this week and am hoping that is temporary. I was in the emergency room New years Day from 9pm till 10:30pm . I was slightly dehydrated and my blood pressure was higher than it had ever been . Apparently it was not dangerously high but the whole thing scared me , My pulse rate Was elevated also and I have been dismissed now by all physicians involved as having had anxiety on New years day in the er. So I paid attention to how I felt after taking My evening dose for Bi-polar and dang if my blood pressure and pulse rate went up Plus I had tremors in my legs which was also new .I had a lot of tremors at the ER But I had accidentally taken 20 more Mgs than normal because I thought I had forgot to take my meds earlier So the prescribing Physician has given me permission to lower my dose which is what I did last night and all was well. I am determined to live my best life possible

Mom's Health

I was in high school both times my mom underwent Open Heart surgery . Not the run of the mill by pass surgery of today . Mom had what she said often was a valve job "The Doctors took my damaged valve out and popped a brand new plastic one in" The second surgery was worse for me because by then I was old enough to know Mom could die on that table or from complications after. The following poem I submitted to a class I was taking on poetry the teacher simply wrote "Keep trying Pearl"

WAITING
Sitting around ,
trying to feel fine .
Sometimes I succeed,
just to fall again .

Waiting around ,
for an answer of health .
Sometimes the sorrow ,
just keeps me down.

Wishing around,
trying to get downtown .
Sometimes I laugh ,
just to stop thoughts of death.

Our Twins

The following is a poem I wrote many years ago when our sons were very young . I am posting it to prove to myself that happy happened in my past.

Oh for this past year what did I give?
Most of it was spent nursing my twins,
The house is in shambles ,the mess everywhere
My Babies are smiling they haven't a care.
Their sweetness surrounds me I can not refuse
when one tugs at my dress,
this child is at my breast.
Nourishing comfort he is content,
Then his brother does spot us
Soon we three are at rest.

Oh for this past year what have I done?
Have I helped out my neighbor whose load is a ton?
Not much have I ventured out of our home.
I'm told that someday I'll look back on these days
Part of me longs to, the rest wants to stay.
I've heard enough crying to last all my life.
My days are long and chores are done twice
But the rewards are extra double nice,
As two separate personalities explore life.
What wondrous sights and sounds to explore ,
How could a mother want anymore?
Just Pearl

I the survivor am now a thrivor.

Some day that will be the title of a poem it just keeps rattle ling around in my brain so someday it will come the rest of the words and not just the title .

Being able to wax poetic matters ever so to me
Finding my center that peace in my being matters ever so to me
Picking a pencil up sketching a portrait of someone then having someone anyone tell me" I know who that is" would mean the world to me

What disturbs me is that it takes medication for me to write poetry and I do not mean just the run of the mill anti depressants that so many women have used including me in the past .I am talking serious legal prescription medication for anxiety and Bi-polar
I had been a lost soul in my own skin not able to slow down and to find quite time to create. This honestly has been worse in the last 6 months but before that I was just sad ,numb really .If I had the chose I would take manic over numb any year.
My loved ones are the reason I sought help and Specialists in mental health.
It seems what was fun for me came out as anger to them.
It is all very new for me this medication my specialist upping my dose just a few days back
I do not know where this all will lead me I am mostly hoping for the a for mentioned PEACE

I, The survivor, Here I am today.

If This Is The first time You read My Blog Please scroll down And Read at least My Poem Called I The Survivor It is the reason why I started Blogging . I am going to write about my life today in this post . I am serene today I am Happy in the life I am living and I would even say I am thriving not merely surviving . I have Forgiven My Mother The abuse and Neglect That occurred in my childhood if fact I have a deep well of love for my deceased Parents. I have forgiven others who harmed me in my childhood. I have recently went on medication for anxiety and soft Bi polar both helped with one little pill I take once a day. I feel hope that I will be able to be a better employee Though I am currently self employed I work for people in my field so there-in I hope to be a better employee. So far so good I am having far less anxiety than before and My relationship with my Husband feels like things were a few years ago when we were going through a really good patch . So I am full of hope today And I can not ask for more.